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Oct. 21st, 2005

[locked]

I am reminded, in my musings, of the Hagia Sophia. This lovely building began as a church and became a mosque. In this process, devout Muslims obeyed their faith by destroying Christian iconography covering the walls. Islam forbids portraiture in its places of worship.

At different times in my long existence, I sought succor from both faiths and found some solace among them, but my solace is ever tinged with alienation, for I am never a member of my surroundings. It is the way of what I am. At best, I am but placid when among them, but I am never of them, not anymore.

Now the Christian mosaics are being restored, at the dear cost of the Islamic patterns that overlay them. Both cannot be sustained; one must be denied for the other to be seen. It mirrors a memory that evades my remembrance. If only...

Oct. 6th, 2005

[locked]

I have forgotten how to feel.

My senses remain, as ever. Minute changes in scent reach me. My eyes unfalteringly pierce shadows.

But...

Somethings lacks, as though I am merely capable of surface sensation. Like there is nothing beneath. Even open flame laps at my hand and I feel the desert-like heat, and no more.

Barnabas has taken away my candles, having spied my efforts. He says I must enter the 21st century and use electric lights. Are we up to the 21st? I could have sworn we only just ended the 19th. Clearly I have missed something in time, just as I have missed something in substance.

I dislike my moods when I hunger. I shall improve when sated, I think.